i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
