I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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