I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Randomize
