this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
