Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
