I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
