I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
