So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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