If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
