So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Green mimosas i think yes
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
