i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I believe in your delicious
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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