When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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