I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
