I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
