Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
