Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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