she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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