I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
