1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
