my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
