i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
