Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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