she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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