I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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