so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
