I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
