mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
