hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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