You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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