We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
