and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
