ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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