I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
