Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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