If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
smell my finger.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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