I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
This is my gift to your gina
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
