it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
