Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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