I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
