When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
