....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
