i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
