you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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