I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
