A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
