We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
