We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
