Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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