I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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