Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
