Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
