shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
