Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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