All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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