I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
