I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
