So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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