I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
